< SWITCH ME >

KEY FACTS: 

  • Made America, Britain and Italy great again
  • Almost made Austria great again
  • Been making Hungary, Poland and Bulgaria great again
  • Set to make France and Netherlands great again

Characteristics & Motivation: 

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Photo: Karen NTF (Flickr); Licence: CC BY-NC-ND 2.0
  • Hates all others on the basis of age (the young), color (anybody less than white), gender (females and trans), religion (non-Christian), sexual preferences (homosexual, bisexual and metrosexual) and social status (the elites).
  • All others are the enemy – they are robbing him of his rightful claims on state resources.
  • Highly competitive – always demands more, i.e. more sovereignty, more power, more recognition, more weapons, more women.
  • Highly egalitarian – everybody should be equally free in their misery.
  • Highly unique – as such he does not need to work, while the state is responsible for feeding him.
  • Protects “family values” – including but not restricted to frat-boy rape and home violence.
  • Likes his arguments simple and free of reason – facts are lies, peddled by the elites to muddy the minds of simple folk, who know better

Origins:

2016 saw the re-emergence of a shadow, looming over Europe over the past five hundred years – Vlad, the Angry White Male. Originally a petty nobleman hailing from Wallachia, he got notorious for his idiosyncratic methods of welcoming foreigners when in power, particularly such of other religious backgrounds and ethnic origins. Hot-iron stakes, dismemberment and gouging people’s eyes were just some of the means of persuasion he actively used to popularize his agenda. Vlad was also said to have been extremely pale due to a botched bleaching job (he was a bit swarthy in appearance), forcing him to drink sheep’s blood and giving him the “white” label.

Fairly intense in communication to foreigners, Vlad was no less a charmer when it comes to dealing with his own peers, whom he mercifully executed en masse by hanging – the row of gallows stretched as far as modern-day Tajikistan and could be seen from space. 

Fairly intense in communication to foreigners, Vlad was no less a charmer when it comes to dealing with his own peers, whom he mercifully executed en masse by hanging – the row of gallows stretched as far as modern-day Tajikistan and could be seen from space. The money and the open positions left behind he distributed among his own supporters, who swore allegiance to him by inseminating the voivode’s sheep. The ultimate goal was to stabilize his absolute reign, as in his worldview men could only breathe if they were strong and powerful; week ones, such as faggots and artists, had no place in the universe and had to be exterminated, if they did not die on their own. Nevertheless, Vlad was a staunch church benefactor and patron of family values, surrounding himself with priests and abhorring sin in general.


As a result of a genetic malfunction Vlad did not die when he was eventually ousted from power and killed, signifying the beginning of a dark period in his post-life. For the Angry White Male death amounted to a personal tragedy as he was divested of his nobility and had to toil for his bread. This coincided, to Vlad’s utter dismay and discontent, with the Inquisition suddenly running out of steam, giving way to the first outbreaks of reason in political and social thought. In the next few centuries, new buzzwords, such as “civil rights” and “liberties” steadily gained ground in intellectual circles and the lower echelons of Europe’s power structures. However, lurking in the shadow of peasantry as he was, Vlad did not have access to those, adding more vigor to his unstable temper and making him particularly angry (hence the tag “angry”). 

The French revolution served a final blow to Vlad, prompting him to travel to America in hope of reestablishing some of the lost privilege and building a new life, unburdened by idealism and liberal values.

The French revolution served a final blow to Vlad, prompting him to travel to America in hope of reestablishing some of the lost privilege and building a new life, unburdened by idealism and liberal values. To his credit, he did indeed briefly succeed in recapturing his former glory, accumulating wealth and making his way to a Southern plantation, where his aged methods came particularly handy. This newfound heaven was, nevertheless, once again defiled by war, resulting in abysmal developments, among which rampant rules, people of color running free and franchise given to subjects of all walks of life. 


It was not until a new national party was born in Germany, proclaiming to finally exterminate all others (Alas!) 500 years after his heyday, that Vlad decided to return to Europe. Learning German was a bit quirky as he started his career by plundering the villages of Transylvanian Saxons. However, once into the ranks of the National Socialists he came home to roost – bodies started piling up during the ensuing war, appeasing Vlad’s anger. It was the end of the war and the resulting reestablishment of liberal order that scrapped Vlad’s plans for world domination, sending him further down the line of bitter resentment to the ultimate gateway of human sacrifice, the USSR.


In recent years, the Angry White Male gradually re-emerged from the great frozen steppes, disillusioned, vodka drenched and toothless, making major strides towards repossessing Europe. The rest is history.


Happy Apocalypse!

Teaser photo: Insomnia Cured Here (Flickr); Licence: CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

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